What a terrible movie! Antonio Sabato as John Carter, Traci Lords as Dejah Thoris, and god knows who else in the rest of the few remaining roles should've tipped me off this was a stinker. And to be truthful I did know it had a bad rep, but that didn't prepare me for the lamest acting I possibly have ever seen in a professional production.
Traci Lords had a deer-in-the-headlights look (or is it deer-with-headlights-look?) throughout this interminable "movie" and when she spoke (which you came to dread) the lines were laced with lead and fell promptly to the floor. Antonio Sabato had looking severe down to a tee, but when he spoke the illusion was smashed.
The action in this movie was dreadful, and the whole thing felt like they were stretching and stretching each sequence in an effort to put enough stuff on tape to get to the end.
I'm not going to pick on the make-up, but it was bad, but for a small budget flick I can accept that. And I never expected four-armed giant Tharks, but what we got was okay for about five minutes then I got bored.
The movie never made much sense, but it was fun either and the pacing was so slow that the plot holes grew into chasms.
On the singular plus side, I did like the notion of making John Carter a lone sniper in Afghanistan. But that went nowhere after he was muddled to Mars.
This is without doubt one of the top five lamest movies I've ever seen. But I do confess it's got that so-bad-it's-good thing and would be fun to watch with buddies.
To get the taste out of my mouth here are some other renditions of the fabulous Princess of Mars by Edgar Rice Burroughs.
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