Sunday, December 4, 2011
Herman Cain - Hero For Hire!
Conservatives were gleeful when the charming dark and handsome Herman Cain appeared. Here was a hero they could hire to save them from the dreaded Liberal cabals which have overtaken the centers of power in the country, allowing all manner of different kinds of inappropriate folks to manipulate the levers of power. He made his bones downsizing an unprofitable fast-food chain and un-creating many many jobs. Here was their savior. Sweet Christmas indeed!
Here was a hero singularly capable of taking on the shadowy evil which is Barrack Obama, the personification of gloom and destruction who now makes a disgrace of the White House every minute he sits on its porch of power and grins at those who want him to head back to the shed. Cain has a special gift which will enable him to overcome Obama's superpower, his protective covering which in this country enables him to access special privileges not available to those lesser folk who for now anyway still form the majority of people in the land.
But alas, from the moment he launched, he was somewhat unsteady on his pins. The constant drumbeat from the "Lamestream Media" that Herman must command actual facts to legitimately convince voters he's qualified for the post of Commander-in-Chief threw the devoted into a lather as Herman unfortunately fell victim to vile interviews which asked...gasp...questions about world affairs. As if that mattered.
Then from the past arose a nameless ghost who challenged all that was held sacred about Herman. A woman suggested Mr.Cain had treated her shabbily and that his bosses had paid her to be quiet about it. But the faithful knew despite a plethora of "facts" that accusation was a horrific lie.
And then another woman came forward. And then another, and another. All told the same story more or less, but of course Herman wouldn't and couldn't dissemble about what he'd done. He only offered up more or less different versions of the truth until he stumbled across one that seemed to resonate with his flock. The water continued to heat up though, despite his oft-repeated denials.
The hot water continued to rush in, and then a woman announced she and Herman had had a tryst of thirteen years. She of course lied about her "friend", and Herman sputtered when confronted with the "facts". Save for the few faithful, the people began to abandon Herman as his troubles bubbled up to his chinny-chin-chin.
Herman knew what had happened to him. The Liberals had hung him out to dry, because he wouldn't kowtow to them like the Dreaded Obama had done. He was punished because his ideas were just not acceptable to the unwashed who packed into parks and elsewhere to announce a new day might be upon us. Herman was no longer an effective candidate, but he was ready for his new role as holy conservative martyr, a man castigated and abused because of his innovative ideas of taxing the poor and applying a religious test for public service.
So Herman Cain is now no longer a candidate for president of these United States. The Dreaded Obama will not face the dark might of Cain. Rather it will be a Mitt (groan) or perhaps a Newt (wahoo) who will slay the Obama Beast. Herman will have to content himself with raging against the Progressive machine which brought him low, the Liberals who sabotaged his campaign by seeing to it all those many women met him all those many years ago just in case Herman thought foolishly he might want to lead the greatest nation on Earth. Uz-beki-beki-stan need never fear that Cain will drop the big one on them now, they can rest easy because Herman will be on a book tour lowing "9-9-9" in the pastures of Palin until the cows come home.