Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition!

What a wacked out movie this is! To begin, this The Lost Continent is not based on the C. J. Cutcliffe Hyne novel about Atlantis, which I thought it was. It's based on a whole other book by Dennis Wheatley titled Uncharted Seas about a ship of assorted sailors and passengers who get stranded in a man-eating sargasso sea and have to confront the Spanish Inquisition. (Maybe Monty Python was right!)

The story begins when the "Corita", an aging tramp steamer loaded with a forbidden and exceedingly explosive cargo gets lost in a storm on the way to South America. The Captain (Eric Porter) is an irascible down-on-his-luck bloke who lies to his crew, who then abandon him and the ship before a hurricane blows in. The passengers are a motley lot full of folks running away from various misdeeds and misfortunes who somehow prefer the luckless boat to survival. At one point most folks do abandon the ship and lose a few of their number before finding it again after the storm and then sailing into a vast sargasso sea which seems to enjoy munching on those unfortunate enough to fall into its grasp. They then find a beautiful girl who walks on the deadly weeds supported by balloons. Then deadly Spaniards under the control of a deranged branch of the Inquisition attacks and the story gets started properly. Sadly by the time this happens there's only about thirty minutes left in the flick.

This Hammer opus might be considered goofy fun. It sure has the classic Hammer tendency to be mildly lurid with plenty attention paid to beautiful babes in distress. Whatever the danger, whatever the threat, the girls seem to find time to change clothes regularly always finding something which highlights their assets neatly. Hildegard Knef plays a gorgeous but aging ice maiden who is running from something and not afraid to use her body to make that trek possible.  The resident bombshell of the first part of the movie is the peculiarly named "Unity" (Suzanna Liegh) who struts around in a suitcase of backless numbers tantalizing a variety of guys who show remarkable restraint given where they find themselves. Later she's mostly replaced by sargasso sea native "Sarah" (Dana Gillespie) who bring her balloons aboard the Corita with devestating effect.

The monsters are a 60's cavalcade of mechanical beasties including a giant squid, a giant crab, a giant scorpion, and sundry seaweed tentacles of various stripes. In addition to the murderous threat of the Spanish Inquisition led by a ludicrous boy-king and a venomous and corrupt priest, the survivors of the Corita are up against a mighty nest of problems.

Weirdly the story is told in flashback, so we sort of know who will survive and who might not. It's a curious way to structure this tale which seems to wander through its various tropes with little momentum. The acting in this one is what keeps it afloat, as typically Hammer offers up a group of seasoned veteran actors (Michael Ripper, James Cossins, Nigel Stock, and suchlike) capable of chewing the most offbeat of scenes into submission. Few of the group are folks we'd admire in the world, so it's rather difficult to give two shakes about their fates here, most of which seem weirdly deserved. This is a boat of sinners indeed, like those forlorn sailors in Coleridge's poem, floating into the maw of their own inevitable demise.

But maybe I overstate it. I was properly distracted by this one, and even momentarily entertained. It's a proper diversion, if you find it for little or no money in the late night.

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Bigfoot Is Full Of Scat!

Robert Crumb

The Ten Million Dollar Bigfoot Bounty is the latest installation in the most recent wave of Bigfoot fandom. It's a fundamentally stupid TV show, an odd cross between Animal Planet's highly successful Finding Bigfoot and the avalanche of high-octane game shows which litter the airwaves such as Survivor, The Great Race, and such.

Dean Cain, former Superman actor serves as the peculiarly intense host inviting a gaggle of two-man and/or woman teams who have assembled to discover either compelling photographic or DNA evidence of the existence of the mythical North American phenomenon. The judges seem sober enough, Todd Disotell, a skeptical scientist (the one with the mohawk) and Natalia Reagan a very pretty primatologist, evaluate the "evidence" gathered by the teams.

So far the teams have gathered weak nature photos, some blood samples, assorted hairs, and a lot scat (which is hunter lingo for old shit -- ironically enough). So this show has tumbled along now for several episodes and it's too stupid. The teams are a motley array of true believers, wannabe reality stars, eccentric hunters, and lying-ass frauds. One doofus actually claims he has shot and killed two "Bigfeet". Bull-scat I say! The fact none of the hosts have called this lying dumb ass out on this clear and obvious  prevarication suggests that like almost all of these shows it's about generating a little personality heat on the screen and not remotely about some quest for the...ahem...truth about Bigfoot. The game is afoot and it's ratings! (Note: Since I wrote this paragraph one judge has called the stories out for the lies they clearly are.)

Dean Cain might be part of the legacy which might have made us believe a man could fly, but he will never be part of the one which will convince anyone that Bigfoot exists.

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SpongeBob SquareSwipes!

When I saw this SpongeBob Comics cover it reminded me of not one vintage comic book cover image but two.

You take the classic in-your-face image from the iconic fourth issue of The Avengers. 

Then add this King-Size Special Amazing Spider-Man cover, and you come up with a proper swipe/homage from the folks at "United Plankton Pictures".

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The Monarchs And The Gold Stars!

My favorite publisher is the now defunct, but far from forgotten Charlton Group. This outfit situated in the town of Derby, Connecticut was close enough to the the New York City talent pool to draw from it regularly, but not so close as to be absorbed into its colorless mass. Charlton productions have always had a distinctive quality, mostly owing to the fact that most if not all their product was produced in house, on presses the publishers themselves owned and operated. In fact the comics so much adored by some discriminating  fans (like yours truly)  were rumored to be mere fodder to keep the presses warm and running between more profitable magazine productions.

But Charlton was not limited to magazines. They also had a paperback  brand, in fact they had two. Monarch Books is a handsome collection of paperbacks published in the heyday of that format which offered up an array of soft pornography for that always ready audience along with some choice books of a more specific nature such as adaptations of movies like Gorgo, Konga, Reptilicus, and Brides of Dracula. To get a solid look at the offerings of Monarch check out this beautiful gallery at Bookscans. And take a gander at this file overview for some juicy details about this little publisher.

The second Charlton paperback brand was the smaller Gold Star. Gold Star books offered up again the usual soft-porn fare as well as a most peculiar and unfortunately much objected to run of brand Tarzan adventures. To get a look at their offerings check out this link as well as this one. For more on the inner workings of this other paperback brand see this.

Paperbacks were once upon a time a source for most entertainment we now associate with the internet. Technology has replaced and sadly made obsolete these vintage classic and not-so-classic tomes. But most folks who might be inclined to visit here most certainly appreciate the old stuff. I know I do.

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She Again!

Late last spring I finally got around to reading H.Rider Haggard's epic novel She and at that same time got hold of the 1935 movie adaptation. Go here to read what I thought of those if you'd like. But recently Turner Classics put on the other famous version of She, this starring the stunning Ursula Andress in the...ahem...titular role.

Take a gander.

It's difficult to overstate how beautiful Andress is in this movie, she's just fabulous, worthy of all the praise I've seen heaped on this flick. Her oddly stiff acting style actually enhances the alien nature of Ayesha who having lived for thousands of years can be a bit odd to say the least. And her exotic beauty does indeed connote something at once alluring and dangerous and intoxicating. You can understand why some guy might jump into a fire for her.

But if it were only her in this flick it would be a boring lot indeed, as staring at a pretty face however attractive gets dull eventually. The Hammer gang is along for this wild ride through deserts and mountains into the long-forgotten and distance lost city Ayesha rules. We have stalwarts Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee on hand as always, the classic tag team of 60's weird horror giving their usual bravura performances. Cushing's rendition of Holley is actually less restrained than many of his presentations and a welcome change from his usually internal and intellectual characters. Holley here is loyal bounder. Bernard Cribbins is on hand as the loyal Job and does a crackerjack job in a thankless but necessary role. Lee is the counter-villain in this one plotting against our heroes and Ayesha and he gives his usual oily venomous performance.

Cribbins, Cushing, Andress, and Richardson

The surprise for me was how good John Richardson was as Leo. He's not an actor who has impressed me in the past, but he does a pretty good job playing a man overwhelmed by the events which have swallowed up and largely demolished his ego and his life. Rosenda Monteros is wonderful as the girl Ustane who loves Leo and challenges Ayesha. Her fate is a real stunner in a flick that turns in on itself neatly with an ending which does justice to the time invested.

I liked this one much more than I expected. I feared it would be dreary, with Andress being deadly dull. It's not, and she's certainly not. I can see why people hold this version in such high regard. It's a good one.

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The Amazing Spider-Man!

Once upon a time when superhero movies were rare, I'd have dashed to the local theater to catch a glimpse of whatever the studios were offering. But in these modern days of a superheroic glut, I find myself more and more unfriendly to actually trying to keep up. So it is that I only a few days ago that I got around to watching  The Amazing Spider-Man.

I enjoyed it.

I regret the seeming need to revisit the origin yet again, but this movie does a pretty good job of it with sufficient twists on the classic to keep it reasonably fresh. I liked the inclusion of Gwen Stacy and I liked how they fused her into the larger story at the same time making her intellectually Peter's peer. This is a very smart Peter Parker we are presented with, a brilliant son of brilliant parents who disappear mysteriously. I'm certain that mystery will be the focus of future films and I welcome it.

I liked the look of Spider-Man this time too, he was high-tech but still looked lean and nimble. I got a real Ditko vibe from his visual presentation. This story this time seemed intentionally smaller and darker, both tonally and literally. Again I got a Ditko feel overall from the sets and the action, Ditko processed with a modern vibe. I noted lots of water towers, a Ditko staple.

The Lizard was a worthy opponent and it made sense that his origin and Peter's were bonded, both in location and cause. Who Spider-Man is in this version is a result of his father's work, and that adds up to a nice thematic unity  going forward. Dr.Conners was handled with the care I'd feared had been lost, he remained a sympathetic figure right through and even to some small extent redeemed himself. That's proper and fitting with the long history of the character.

I might've wished that Spidey remain a more mysterious and possibly villainous character in the public eye, as he was in the early stages of this story. That's consistent with his on-off relationship with the fickle public in the old Ditko books, but the creators seem to abandon that in the end. 

All in all a nice superhero movie with some wonderfully dark battle sequences. I'm glad I finally got around to seeing it.

And now for some vintage Spidey versus Lizard highlights from years gone by. 

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The Good, The Bad, And The Brightly Clad!

This vintage Fred Hembeck cover from those long ago days of 1980 is a crack up of the highest order. Three brilliantly and blindingly hued heroes joined to create a crisis of color in the Hembeckian world at large. It's genius!

Jack Kirby and Mort Meskin

Captain 3-D, created for Harvey Comics during the Atomic Age by the Joe Simon and Jack Kirby duo is the oldest of this trio of colorful protagonists. Created to take advantage of a fad which seems to reappear every several years, Captain 3-D is a surprisingly serious character with echoes of Fawcett's Captain Marvel bonded with the more surreal elements of later comics. Here's a glimpse.

The Prankster is from the final throes of the Silver Age, a one-shot hero created by Denny O'Neil in his guise as "Sergius O'Shaugnessy" and top flight artist Jim Aparo.

Created for Charlton Comics, this futuristic gadfly battles an oppressive and humorless government in the distant future city of Ultropolis.

Pat Boyette

Never cover-featured, the Prankster made his one and only appearance in the tenth and final issue of Thunderbolt, the original Charlton run.

 And perhaps most obscure of all is Steve Ditko's Odd Man. The Odd Man was a truly bizarre creation.

Scheduled to debut in the pages of the ninth issue of Ditko's Shade the Changing Man, the exotically hued hero made his first actual appearance in the dubious offset rarity Cancelled Comics Cavalcade, a victim like so many of the infamous " DC Implosion" of the late Bronze Age.

Jose Luis Garcia-Lopez

Thankfully though he did get a colorful presentation when that story was dusted off, revised and presented to a broader reading public in the pages of Detective Comics.

As you can see, Odd Man is perhaps the biggest eyesore among these disparate brothers-of-the-brightly-clad, his whole look seemingly designed to create a clash.

Only Fred Hembeck would think it a good enough joke to dig out these most obscure heroes (remember it was in those halcyon pre-internet days) for his devoted audience. Good show Fred on a true classic gag!

This Hembeck classic is reprinted in the awesome The Nearly Complete Essential Hembeck Archives Omnibus, though I fear the color might be missing. I hope not.

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